#'love is bullshit' and 'box set death march' instead of getting into why she's so afraid of vulnerability

[finitevariety]

have to say I really loved how Shiv brought up the waiter. Does she give a shit about him, or that Kendall killed him? Nah, not really. Will she weaponise it to appear more moral in the moment? Yeah, absolutely.

It's like she said to Mencken: she's flexible. She LARPed as progressive to get her career in politics and genuinely believed she believed all these things--it's easy to believe you believe nice things, when the shit you actually do care about isn't in conflict with those beliefs. But then she wrangled Gil and Logan into a handshake, and she played her card as a woman to silence a victim--and, by shooting the one with her head above the parapet, many more victims--of institutional sexual abuse. She has even hurt herself by sailing too close to the wind in her girlboss liberal lean-in shit sometimes, with her dinosaur cull comment at Argestes, or with overplaying the hand she thought she had at Tern Haven.

She was viscerally angry at having to take the photo with Mencken, and perhaps angrier still when ATN called the election for him. Not because he's a fascist, although he is, and not because she dislikes him--although she does! She was angry primarily because the photo nuked any chance of a political career for her going forward, and because the call for Mencken hurt her chances with Matsson.

Did she ever make any of that clear in the moment, though? No. She talked about fascism and morals and things do happen, Rome. It is easier to wear that cloak that sometimes helps her--the woman cloak, where she claims to care for the group that she belongs to and steps upon its members at the same time--than it is to admit personal rage or vulnerability. That would be hysterical, and grasping, and not CEO material.

Shiv's relationship with womanhood is like Peter Pan's with his shadow. She used to be able to cast it off, or feel like she could, and now it is sewn in to her very fabric: it's everywhere she fucking walks.

She hates that there is not a play she can make that will separate her from the group of women-who-experience-misogyny. And still she makes use of that group, because it's one of an increasingly limited set of options she has. She was never allowed to gain experience--so she's inexperienced, and implausible, and shut out. It's the treehouse, again, Kendall up there playing king of the fucking castle. Shiv must have spent some holidays like that: Roman might have stayed with his mom in England on shorter breaks from military school, and Shiv was left to snotty, whickering horses and fucking tennis, throwing rocks up at Kendall whenever she saw a limb emerge from a window or doorway.

Anyway, if Shiv can't have the high ground, at least she can try to claim the moral one when it suits her. That's what I see as the context for her jab about Andrew Dodds.

[hot-wiings]

The One Where Denki And Mina Think Katsuki Needs To Be A Softer, Nicer Boyfriend, And An Insecure Katsuki Agrees, But [Y/N] [L/N] Doesn't Want A Nicer Boyfriend, She Wants Him.

Requested By: @spicyhokage

Edited: 1-6-2021

It was late when Katsuki came in through class 2-A's dormitory doors. Being his second year at UA the school was allowing students to go back into student internships. With Best Jeanist still off the streets, Katsuki wound up interning with Fatgum, using the link between Eijirou and him to get in. Katsuki hadn't expected to be out for so long, there had been a bad villain that showed up at a different agency and it was a perfect match for both his and Fatgum's abilities. Fatgum had allowed Katsuki to work on it with him, nevermind the fact that Katsuki had already planned a study date for your upcoming test Monday, he jumped at the chance to work with the heroes.

Katsuki knew, or at least he hoped, that you wouldn't be that mad or upset at him for ditching you at the very last minute. It was a leg up in the hero industry, it was a helping hand, he could make more connections and improve his skills. As a student hero, you should know how important this is. He'd want you to make the same choice if it was reversed.

Despite abandoning your date, Katsuki wasn't heartless. He bought a bouquet of hydrangeas as an apology. Apologies weren't something he was good at, but he hoped you would accept it. Katsuki was hoping you would be up waiting for him in the dormitory lounge when he came back, but he knew that one was a longshot. He'd rather have you in bed resting, or making up for the studying he promised to help with but hadn't. Katsuki was hoping he'd find you in the dormitory lounge waiting for him, but instead, he found two of his peers.

"You were out awfully late, weren't you?"

"Shut it, pink face. I need to go see [Y/N] and then head to bed, like a smart student. You and dunce face do realize that we have a big test Monday, don't you?"

Katsuki marched right past Mina and Denki, who were sitting on the couch, towards the elevator to get up to your dorm. If he was right, Mr. Aizawa would be asleep by this hour, and getting into your dorm would be no issue. Katsuki stopped walking towards the elevator when he hears Minas' voice speak out again.

"Did you really get hydrangeas for her? You ditched her for your internship and you got hydrangeas? Girls like roses Katsuki. If a guy ever brought me hydrangeas, I'd kick his butt to the door. Queens deserve better."

"What the fuck are you implying raccoon eyes?"

Katsuki turned back around to yell at Mina for implying that he wasn't good enough for you. He nearly crumpled the flowers by clenching his hand. Mina didn't know what she was talking about. He had brought you hydrangeas several times before, you never complained about it. Denki spoke up to try and intervene Katsuki from blowing up on Mina.

"I think what Mina meant to say is that we're just worried for you. You really like [Y/N], right? Take it from a guy who gets dumped by girls a lot. Pretty girls like [Y/N] don't need to sit around waiting for guys like us. While you're trying to further your career you're ditching her, not to mention, when is the last time you showed her affection?"

"For starters, dunce face, don't call my girlfriend pretty. Secondly, there are no guys like us and girls like [Y/N], there's me, her, and all of you fucking extras that need to get out of my relationship."

"Fine, don't take our advice. Just so you know, [Y/N] isn't in her dorm, she's in the kitchen."

Mina practically sings her words out, and Katsuki changes his course of route from the elevator to the kitchen. He had a scowl on his face the entire time, courtesy of Mina and Denki. He had to restrain himself from beating them with the bouquet. Katsuki reached the kitchen door and he took a minute to recompose himself from his previous anger to a calmer version of himself. He pushed the door open with a calmer smile on his face but stops after opening it halfway.

"What's the answer to number two?"

"Uhm... 6?"

"That's right! Here's your reward."

Katsuki clenched his fist, practically ruining the flowers. He ditched you and your study date, he shouldn't be getting so mad at seeing you and Deku study together. You can have friends other than him. You can be around members of the male gender other than him. Even if it is shitty Deku. You're allowed to have a life outside of Katsuki, but as Deku broke apart a cookie and threw it right into your mouth, a sweet reward for getting the question right, he was ready to toss hands with the boy.

"We're gonna ace this test Monday. Thanks for studying with me Deku. I hate studying alone and you're great at math. Usually, Katsuki helps me, but he got busy."

"It's no problem, [Y/N]. Seriously, I'm always here if you need me."

Katsuki quietly pulled the door shut instead of going in and interrupting you and dumb Deku. Maybe Mina was right. Katsuki thought about it more as he walked back to Mina and Denki. He didn't really show you affection that much, and he did spend a lot of time in the gym or at his internship. His idea of a date was training together or studying. You probably hated the flowers but chose not to speak on it. If he didn't change, change now and fast he was going to lose you to that shit-munch. He needed to show you he was the better more deserving man. As Katsuki stared at Mina and Denki he uttered the words he never wanted to say to them.

"I want your fuckin' help."

"Bring [Y/N] roses. Girls love roses. Not a daffodil, not baby's breath, not a tulip. Roses."

Roses were Mina's first piece of advice to Katsuki. According to her, girls only cared about getting roses, and every other flower was inferior. She also said apology flowers must be paired with chocolates. Katsuki personally thought that was bullshit. He had been bringing you different breeds of flowers throughout your entire relationship and never once had you vocalized disdain for it. But Mina is a girl unlike him, so she must have had some kind of special insight. You must have just not wanted to make him feel bad for messing up. Katsuki knew he was inexperienced in the dating area, but he hadn't realized he was screwing up so badly.

Katsuki did exactly what Mina said. Saturday afternoon, Katsuki showed up at your dorm with a bouquet of yellow roses and a box of chocolates, the milk chocolate kind. According to Mina, milk chocolate was better than dark chocolate. He knocked on the door after checking his phone for the time. He knew you didn't like getting up early on the weekend, and you had been up late studying the night before. Twelve-thirty seemed like a reasonable time to stop by.

You opened the door, slippers on your feet, eyes barely opened, and a crinkled forehead as you tried to slightly open them to see who you were staring at. You had a pair of shorts on and one of Katsuki's sweatshirts. One you promised you hadn't seen and swore he must've lost in the dorms laundry facility. Katsuki smiled down at your sleepy form, you were adorable. Once you registered who it was you yawned and crossed your arms as you lazily leaned against the door frame and let a small smile cross your face.

"What're you doing here? You were out so late last night, you must be exhausted."

"I could say the same about you, you look like the epitome of tired. How late were you up?"

"No later than two. When did you get in?"

Katsuki didn't want to tell you he came in at midnight. You would've asked him why he didn't come to see you, and he didn't want to say that he saw you and Deku studying together. He didn't want to admit that he felt pained at seeing you together so close. Pained at you needing and using Deku as you would him. Katsuki held up the roses and chocolates and thrust them into your arms.

"I didn't even check the time. I brought you apology flowers and chocolate for ditching you. They're roses!"

"O-Oh, they're yellow."

You took the items he thrust into your arms and moved further into your dorm so he could come in. You set the chocolate down on the bed but kept observing the flowers. Katsuki was quite proud of the flowers he picked out. They were pretty and blooming, and he thought you'd like them. Yellow roses would look good in your dorm room. You, on the other hand, were not ecstatic with the flowers. You bit your lip and tried to make your smile bigger. Did he know what yellow roses symbolized? He had to of known, even Denki would know something this simple. Maybe you were reading into it too much, they're just flowers. It was a gift, not a death sentence to your relationship.

"I'll have to go to the kitchen and see if there's anything I can put them in."

Katsuki could sense you being standoffish. He assumed you were upset at him for ditching you the previous night. He did the flowers right, he would just have to go the extra mile to make you happy with him by serving your needs.

"I can go to the kitchen and find a vase! You just shower or get dressed, or whatever, and I'll even bring you up some lunch."

"You don't have to do that. I can get dressed and do it myself."

"I don't have to do it, I want to do it."

Katsuki cupped your cheeks and pressed a quick kiss against your lips. They were soft and sweet. Katsuki could taste the residue sugar from the cookies you had been eating the night before and he pulled back with a frown, making you frown just as much. He wasn't mad that you didn't brush your teeth, although you should have. He was upset at the reminder that Deku was with you when you were supposed to be having a study date. He was upset that Deku was the one who stayed up with you until two in the morning. He was upset that Deku was acting like a better boyfriend when he was just your friend and nothing more. Katsuki should've been doing more, he should've been doing a better job.

"I really am sorry for ditching you yesterday. If you want, we can redo the date today."

"I really missed you yesterday. I did some cramming with Deku, but I don't think he's as good of a teacher as you are."

"Of course dumb Deku isn't as good as me. I'll grab my books before I come back, we'll have a nice do-over date."

Hearing you say that Izuku wasn't as good as him made him feel good. It was slightly reassuring to Katsuki, yet he couldn't stop this budding feeling every time he thought about you and Izuku studying last night.  

"Buy her something nice. Something nice like jewelry. I always see you buying her practical stuff, that's boring. Girls like pretty shiny gifts from their boyfriends."

Mina's second piece of advice had been to buy you some jewelry. According to Mina jewelry was an acceptable gift for a boyfriend to buy his girlfriend. Katsuki had been buying you practical and weird gifts throughout your relationship. He thought they were good, he thought they were sweet and enjoyable. He supposed he was wrong. With every piece of advice from Mina, Katsuki was getting punched in the gut. He thought he was treating you right, he thought he was doing this whole relationship thing right, but he wasn't. If he didn't fix things fast then dumb Deku would steal you away from him.  

Katsuki felt inside of his pocket for the necklace he bought you. He had Mina help him pick it out that morning. It had been sitting there in a pretty little black box with a red bow waiting to be opened. He wanted to give it to you when he gave you the flowers, but he didn't want you to view it as an apology gift, he wanted it to be viewed as a sweet, 'I was thinking of you', gift.

By the time Katsuki had gotten back to your dorm room, you were all showered and dressed in fresh clothes. You were wearing comfortable clothes, and Katsuki had to smile again. You looked simply perfect. With your hair pushed back by a headband, sweatpants, and another one of his sweaters which you practically swam in, you looked angelic to him. Katsuki put a bag containing your lunch on the small table you had in your room, he placed the vase containing your new flowers there too before pulling out your lunch. You grabbed his book bag from him with a smile and began to pull his books out and place them alongside yours in a neatly organized fashion to create a nice study space.

"What'd you find for lunch?"

"There wasn't much in the fridge to quickly grab, so I made some curry."

"I love it when you cook. It always tastes good."

You smiled at Katsuki and placed a quick peck against his cheek before taking a seat next to him. His chest swelled with pride as he watched you freely dig into the container of food. You liked his cooking, and as he watched you feast in it he knew you weren't lying. At least he did one thing right on his own. One more wrong thing and he was sure he was going to blow a casket.

"Aren't you gonna eat?"

You stared at him with half-lidded eyes and spoke with your mouth half full, barely pronouncing your words but Katsuki still knew what you were saying. He stopped staring at you and began working on his own dish. Every once and a while Katsuki noticed your eyes go from your food to his face and then to the flowers before diving back to the food. He supposed you really liked them. It felt good knowing he was doing it right. It felt good knowing you were happy and content with him for the moment.

You wiped your face off and just as you were about to clean up your lunch mess Katsuki jumped up and took care of it. He grabbed your lunch containers and closed them before tossing them back into the bag he brought them in. He took a wet wipe and wiped up your table and then proceeded to toss the dirty wipe in the trash bin.

"Ready to study?"

"Yup! You're a really good teacher, I really look forward to our study dates."

You walked over to your bed and took a seat on the ground whereas Katsuki laid across your bed in a position where he could have a book out and also easily look over the edge to see what you were doing. This was how you always did your study dates. Katsuki would work and watch to see if you were slacking off, then you would switch books and quiz each other. Slowly the clock clicked away, each passing second made Katsuki grow antsy. He wanted to give you the stupid neckless he had inside his pocket. Katsuki huffed as he slammed his book shut and pushed it off of the bed. You craned your neck back to see what Kastuki was doing before narrowing your eyes, no way did he think he could stop studying while he made you work.

"What are you doing? Are you studying up there?"

"No, c'mere."

You huffed as you pulled yourself up off of the floor and crawled onto the bed next to Katsuki. A mixture of blankets and skin touched you as he wrapped his arms around your body and pulled you so your back was flush against his chest. He let his head rest inside your neck, and you struggled to pull out of his grip.

"What are you doing? We're supposed to be studying."

"I don't wanna study right now. The test is Monday, we can still study tomorrow."

You bit your lip as you contemplated his offer. He had a point. The test was Monday morning, and it was only Saturday, not to mention that you had studied with Deku yesterday. The offer was just so out of character for Katsuki, part of you wondered if it was a trick and thought he was going to pull out a piece of rolled-up newspaper to hit you with like he did for Eijirou. You let yourself sink into his arms, you had been up to this for a while, you deserved a break.

"Okay, but only a small break. got it?"

"Mm. I got you something."

Katsuki pulled away from your body to dig in his pocket and pull out the small black box. You rolled over so you could face him and your gift with a growing smile on your face. You loved Katsuki's gifts. Whether it was intentional or not, he always got you something you needed. Whether it was you complaining about cold hands or your lack of working pens, the next day you would find gloves and a pack of pens with a note from him saying something stupid, like 'You better use these to take your shitty notes' and 'If you get arthritis in your hands you can't become a hero'. It was always a surprise and a delight. Katsuki handed over the box and you tore the bow off before opening it.

"It's a necklace!"

"Oh, it's very cute."

You tried not to frown as you looked over the necklace. You tried you're best to put a beaming smile on your face. It was still a gift and you needed to show your gratitude. It wasn't as conventional as your other gifts, but it was still pretty. Maybe it had a special meaning? Maybe he saw it and thought of you? It was just so unusual. He never bought you jewelry and the style was obviously not his.

"Did you pick it out yourself?"

You tried not to make it sound like you were fishing for an explanation as you smiled and clasped it around your neck to show how much you 'loved' it. Katsuki contemplated telling you he picked it out himself but seeing as you were friends with Mina he wasn't sure what she'd say and he didn't want to look bad.

"Well, I got a little help. Figured a female's perspective wouldn't hurt."

Suddenly you felt sick to your stomach. Not only had he given you a necklace, an unconventional and unusual gift compared to the ones he usually gave, but he let a girl pick it out. There was no special meaning, it was just pretty. Your mind went back to the flowers. The yellow roses. He bought you yellow roses. Your whole relationship he brought different breeds and types, never roses. Especially not yellow, the color that represented friendship.

"Thank you, I love it!"

You wrapped your arms around Katsuki, bringing him into a big, tight hug. Although you were with him physically, mentally you were in other places. That dark place in the back of your head was telling you why he gave you these offhanded weird gifts. The dark place in the back of your head was filling you with untrue silly thoughts, yet you couldn't help but let your head entertain them and wonder. The more you wondered, the more you wanted to rip your neckless off.

mina

Pop music could be heard blaring loudly from a BlueTooth speaker connected to Mina's phone as you walked into her dorm room. Without knocking you barged right in, Mina supposed there really was a reason you and Katsuki were together. You were both bluntly rude and sometimes you didn't even realize it. You flopped down at the foot of her bed and looked up at her before greeting your pink friend.

"Hey."

"Hi."

Mina didn't look up from what she was doing, she continued flicking through the pages of some fashion-forward girly magazine as she replied to you. You ran your fingers through her soft duvet as you looked around her dorm room. It looked like Claires threw up on the walls and it gave you a major headache. You and Mina had two different style sets, two sets of style very far apart.

"Did you study for the test tomorrow?"

Unlike her room, that was a subject that would give Mina a headache. Mina roughly flipped another page of the magazine she was holding as she let out an exhausted breath.

"No, and before you scold me neither did Denki. I swear Katsuki is rubbing off on you."

At the sound of his name, your hand went up and touched the necklace he got for you. You only wore it in case you saw Katsuki today, you planned to wear it for the next two weeks, then you'd pretend you lost it. You weren't a necklace kind of person, and it wasn't even sentimental. Mina tossed her magazine down on the bed and a smile played on her face as she saw the necklace between your fingers.

"That's a cute necklace? Did Katsuki get it for you?"

"Yeah, he did."

You answer Mina's questions and inquiries as you let the gem on the necklace slip out of your fingers. You couldn't help but let your face slip into a frown. You couldn't help it, the more you thought about the necklace, the further you fell into dark thoughts. It wasn't even the fact that it wasn't sentimental like all of the other gifts he gave you, it was the fact he let some girl pick it out. You weren't a controlling person, not remotely. If Katsuki wanted female friends he could have them, he did have them. While he wouldn't call Mina a friend, she was. Mina was a girl you felt comfortable with, however, you had already had a girl in mind of who you thought helped him, a girl who wasn't Mina. A girl you didn't feel comfortable with, a girl you knew you shouldn't feel comfortable with.

"Well, it's very pretty, if I had a boyfriend who brought me gifts like that I'd be over the moon. So I take it things between you and Katsuki are good then?"

"I guess, um, I just... I think Katsuki is cheating on me."

You started off in a stutter before you bluntly spoke out your words. The moment your voice hits your ears you cringe at yourself and cross your arms. It was such a ridiculous thought. A horrendous and dark thought that, lately, kept crossing your mind more often than it should be crossing and occurring.

"What? Why?!"

"He's just acting so strange and weird."

You pulled yourself up into a cross-legged sitting position on Mina's bed to talk to her. Mina moved and adjusted her own body, completely immersed in what you were saying. You played with your hand as your next words came out.

"Whenever he's out late he always, and I mean always comes to my dorm before going to bed. He didn't come to my dorm last Friday, instead, he shows up at my dorm Saturday afternoon with flowers."

"Flowers are sweet and romantic though. The fact that he bought them for you means he cares."

"Katsuki always brings me a wide variety of flowers. Hydrangeas, snapdragons, hyacinth. It's out of the ordinary and romantic, but this time he bought roses. Not just any roses, yellow roses. What kind of statement is he trying to make with that one?! Everyone knows yellow roses mean friendship and red means romance. Even Denki knows that."

Mina scratched the back of her head nervously. She supposed she should have explained to Katsuki to get red roses. Katsuki was unaware of things in the romance department. Mina needed to try and dial things back before Katsuki found out what you're thinking.

"Katsuki isn't very romantically smart, you're his first serious romantic relationship."

"Yeah, but we've been dating for nearly a year, and that's not even it. We were studying yesterday, and you know how strict Katsuki is when he's studying, you've seen him with Eijirou. Katsuki was not strict at all, he made me stop studying to cuddle. To cuddle! Can you believe that?"

"Well... Maybe he's trying to be sweeter to you, I mean look at the necklace he got you, it's so romantic."

"Don't even get me started on the necklace! Katsuki always brings me sentimental and meaningful gifts. He buys me pencil led when I'm low, and notebooks when he sees my paper is getting down to the end, he buys me gloves when he notices mine are lost or have holes. They're stupid and meaningful and I love it."

You ran your fingers through your hair distressed and upset. Yanking your hands through a few new forming snarls from laying on the bed, practically pulling some hair strands out.

"The necklace isn't meaningful, it doesn't have sentiment, and he didn't even pick it out himself! Some girl picked it out for him."

"Why, didn't he say who? It doesn't mean anything. The girl is probably a friend."

"I think I already know who the girl is. It's some stupid brunette from Shiketsu High. They met during his supplementary lessons, they met again after their internship heroes started working together regularly. She saw him when we were walking to get coffee and she just had to stop and talk to him, she was obviously flirting with him."

You had never felt more awkward at that moment. She was blatantly flirting with him, whether she knew that you were together or not, you didn't know. You didn't expect Katsuki to talk about his relationship during his internship, he was supposed to be working, but you didn't trust her. You knew from that moment the brunette was going to be trouble. She was interested in your boyfriend and that spelled out trouble to you.

"'had a little help' he says, staking her claim on what's mine I say."

"[Y/N], I don't think katsuki would cheat on you. He wouldn't do that."

Mina felt completely nervous. She hadn't realized you and she had such different opinions on romance and what was wooing and not. Katsuki was romantic, he was doing nothing wrong, she just didn't see it from your point of view. Mina had worried Katsuki for nothing and gave bad romance advice which resulted in you worrying. Katsuki was going to kill her, she needed to fix this.

"[Y/N], Katsuki loves you a lot, don't worry, okay?"

"Okay, you're probably right, I'm thinking too much. I'm going back to my dorm, try to get some studying in before the test tomorrow."

Despite the pink girl's words you still didn't feel good. As you stood up and walked to her door, you still felt a rush of negative thoughts and emotions. You still felt winded and emotional. You still felt hurt and fearful of your relationship. You felt the same as you did when you walked into her dorm.  

You nervously tapped your leg up and down on the ground repeatedly as Mr. Ectoplasm and his copies passed out the scored math tests to the class. You supposed a quirk like that must be very useful as a teacher. You kept making little glances over at where Katsuki was sat and your heart clenched. You felt so ridiculous for suspecting he was cheating. You felt completely horrible. Mina was right, Katsuki loved you. Katsuki loved you and he would never cheat. The simple thought that he would was wrong, yet, this lingering feeling told you he was. 

Maybe you should talk to him about it. Maybe you should tell him and express your fears and worries. It was better to talk about things like this, it was better to express yourself rather than locking it up and away, where it could fester and damage your relationship. You looked back over at Katsuki, who caught your glace this time and smiled at you. The smile made you feel sick and guilty for feeling this way. You would tell him how you were feeling after class. The sooner it was out in the open the better. 

You turned back to your test sheet and frowned at the result. You got a forty. Forty. After all that studying you had received a forty. You wanted to be mad at Katsuki for not making you study harder, but you had studied with Izuku first hand. Maybe Ectoplasm would let you take a retest. Ectoplasm dismissed you all and you quickly folded up your test paper in half so no one could see your result as you exited. After you packed up your school bag you stood out in the hall and waited for Katsuki. 

The nerves in your stomach churned. You didn't want to tell Katsuki the negative thoughts that were running through you, you didn't want to tell him how you had dark thoughts and worries about him cheating, but you had to tell him. You had to put your thoughts and theories to rest. Katsuki came out in the hall with his own test papers in hand and you both began to walk to your next class. 

"What'd you score?"

"Got a ninety-two. You?"

"A forty."

You sighed as you clenched the paper in your hand. That was a D. Katsuki was on the fritz. He was trying to take Mina's advice. He wanted to be nice and softer to you like Mina told him he had to be, but he couldn't. You should've studied harder, he should've made you study harder. Katsuki gritted his teeth and took a deep breath to calm himself down before responding. 

"You'll do better next time!" 

"What is wrong with you?"

"What do you mean?"

You looked at Katsuki like he grew two heads. This wasn't your boyfriend, and you slightly wondered if Toga had infiltrated UA. He was never kind like this, he wasn't a positive person. He was supposed to yell at you. Tell you to study better. Tell you you needed to get good scores if you were going to become a hero with him. 

"It's just a bad test score, not every score can be a baller."

"I failed my test, you're supposed to yell at me. Tell me I'm stupid, tell me to study more. Tell me anything but that fake positivity shit! You are not acting like yourself, are you cheating on me? Is this guilt? Are you guilty?"

"No! Fuck, no!"

Katsuki dropped his bag and wrapped his arms around you. That wasn't how you meant to tell him about the thoughts you were having. You wanted to tell him calmly and respectfully, you hadn't meant to flat out accuse him, your thoughts just need up tumbling out that way. Katsuki's own reassuring words came stumbling out in your ear as he tightly gripped you against him.  

"You are perfect and beautiful, and so important to me. I would never cheat on you, I would never fuck up what I have with you. Why would you think that? I don't wanna make you feel that fuckin' way."   

"I know that. I know you wouldn't, but you have been acting so weird and different." 

"I need to be nice or else I'm going to lose you. I got insecure, but shit, I should be. You are so perfect, and you deserve roses and jewelry and the world. You deserve someone who cuddles you instead of studying and who doesn't make you feel like they're cheating and fuck-" 

You pull out of Katsuki's tight grip and cup his cheeks. Your fingers skimmed over his skin tenderly as you stared up at his red eyes and noticed how watery they were. Your heart broke, you thought he was unfaithful but he was really just scared of losing you.

"I don't want you to be soft and nice. You already give me the world Katsuki. You make me study because you care about me. I don't want you to get me roses and Jewelry, I hate it, and I love the stupid little gifts you get me. You don't give me affection and cuddles, but you do other things, like waiting to walk me to class and making me food." 

"You don't want me to be nicer?"

"No! Everything you do is already perfect. Everything you do shows me you care about me in your own way. I love the way you are, I don't want you to change."

Katsuki pulled you back into his arms and pressed a rough kiss against your forehead. He was doing everything right. He was better than dumb Deku, and your test score was proof of that. He wasn't going to lose you, Denki and Mina were wrong. 

"Come to my dorm tonight, you need to study better dumbass."

It didn't matter that the whole class watched the exchange between you both. It didn't matter that Mina had screwed with your relationship and felt very relieved to have gotten off scot-free, for now at least. It didn't matter because all Katsuki cared about was the fact that he was a great boyfriend, the best. He didn't have to be softer, nicer. He didn't have to change, you liked it. You loved him, the way he was. That was all that mattered.

[365days365movies]

March 15, 2021: Clash of the Titans (1981) (Part One)

This one’s personal…sort of.

Other than the fact that this is based on Greek mythology (previously well-established as one of my favorite subjects), this movie is, in a way, responsible for my existence. And that is because, according to legend, this is the film that my parents went to on their first date. And apparently, it went very well, because I came into being 10 years afterwards. So, yeah, this film is personal, like Dirty Dancing.

And also like Dirty Dancing, I HAVEN’T SEEN IT? I don’t know HOW I escaped seeing this movie. And that’s especially considering that I’ve seen the new one. And that movie was...not great.

Maybe not the worst film I’ve ever seen, but it’s definitely not a good movie. But OK, what’s this one about, exactly? Y’all ready for “The 365 Greek Mythology Hour” again? OK, then, here we go. SING IT LADIES

Clash of the Titans concerns the myth of Perseus, one of the greatest Greek heroes ever. Before Heracles, there was Perseus, son of Zeus. Yeah, Zeus, as he is wont to do, came down to Earth and had some good time with the princess of Argos, the beautiful Danaë. He came upon her while she was locked in a box by her dad, Acrisus, king of Argos.

Yeah, the Oracle at Delphi, ever the wisest, was visited by Acrisus one day, who wanted a son instead of a daughter. The Oracle spoke with Apollo (AKA huffed some of that SWEET SWEET ETHYLENE GAS), and told him that his daughter’s son would kill him. And so, he did the most logical thing: he locked her in a box. Yup. Dick. SPEAKING of dick, Zeus appeared to her in the open box as a golden shower. NOT THAT KIND OF GOLDEN SHOWER. I mean a literal shower of gold. Although...I wouldn’t put it past Zeus, of all gods. Dude was kinky.

So, Perseus is conceived, and Acrisus responds to this with his usual tact; he stuffs Danaë into a SMALLER box, and shoves it out to sea. She gives birth to a boy in the box, and the two eventually wash up on the shore of an island, where a fisherman finds them and takes them in. The boy is named Perseus.

Years go by, and Perseus’ mom is sought by his adoptive dad’s brother, and the king of the island, Polydectes. Polydectes is kind of a dick, and Perseus, now an adult man, doesn’t like him. The feeling’s mutual, and Polydectes has a plan. He holds a banquet, and forces all invited to bring a gift of horses. Perseus, being pretty poor, cannot bring this gift, but promises on his honor to bring whatever Polydectes wants of him, no matter what. And Polydectes asks for the head of Medusa.

Fuck.

Medusa’s one of your classic Greek monsters, a Gorgon. She’s one of Athena’s victims, formerly a vain temple priestess who was, well...raped by Poseidon, let’s be honest. However, since Athena’s priestesses were meant to be celibate, she was the one who ended up being punished. Fuckin’ YIKES. But OK, literal ancient gender politics aside, Athena cursed her with snakes for hair, and the ability to turn her victims into stone with a gaze into her eyes. Classic. And sure death for anyone who went after her.

So, Perseus is fucked. He’s gotta kill Medusa, and he doesn’t even have a way to get to her place. And that’s when he gets a favor from none other than Athena, goddess of wisdom and wartime strategy, as well as Perseus’ half-sister. I love Athena (other than the Medusa bullshit, obviously), and this is one of her most prominent roles in mythology. Well, that and the creation of spiders. That was also punishing a woman for her vanity, by the way. She has a type.

First, Perseus was told to find the Hesperides, nymphs of the dusk and dawn who would give him weapons. He got their location from the Greae, more colloquially known as the Gray Sisters. Weirdly enough, you may know them from Hercules, where they were combined with the Fates. They don’t have the future gimmick, but they do have that whole “sharing an eye” thing. Also, they share a tooth. Neat.

Anyway, Perseus takes their eye hostage, which makes them tell him where the Hesperides are. He goes to them, and they give him a bag to hold Meduga’s head. Then, the gods step in. Zeus decides to be a good dad for a change, and gives him an indestructible sword, and Hades’ Helmet of Invisibility. Hermes, another of Perseus’ half-brothers, gives him a pair of winged sandals to fly with. And Athena, technically Perseus’ patron, gives him a mirrored shield.

Perseus heads to the cave of Medusa, uses the shield, then goes up to her and cuts off her head. From her neck, for some goddamn reason, and golden sword pops out, alongside this guy.

Yeah, he’s not made out of clouds. He’s actually the, uh...he’s the result of Poseidon’s crime against Medusa. Fucked up, innit? Pegasus flies up to hang out with Bellerophon to kill the Chimera, and Perseus heads back to...actually, he goes to ANOTHER king who was a dick to him, and turns him into stone with Medusa’s head. Kings hate Perseus, seriously.

Perseus heads home after that, and goes through Ethiopia. There, he meets the King and Queen, Cepheus and Cassiopeia. Cassie’s gorgeous, but she tells Perseus that her daughter Andromeda is, like, WAY hotter, as beautiful as the sea goddesses. Which PISSES OFF POSEIDON (who is basically the villain of Perseus’ story, let’s be honest), and he send a sea monster named Cetus to destroy the kingdom, UNLESS they sacrifice Andromeda to it. And, because kings are assholes in this story, they do, chaining Andromeda to a rock. But, because Perseus believes that all women are queens, he goes to rescue her, and kills Cetus using all of his things. He weds Andromeda, and turns his romantic rival Phineus into stone using Medusa’s head.

Usually, that’s where retellings end, because there’s a recurring trend to Perseus’ story after that. A king is an asshole, Perseus whips out the head, asshole becomes statue of an asshole. However, there is that prophecy to contend with, about Perseus killing his grandfather. See, Acrisus basically retired by this point, and lived in the kingdom of Thessaly. But one day, he went to see some games, in which Perseus was competing in the discus. Well, wouldn’t you know it, Perseus isn’t great at it, and loses control of the discus, which hits Acrisus, killing him instantly.

Utimate frisbee, man. It’s dangerous.

There’s another version where Perseus uses Medusa’s head to turn his dad into stone, surprise surfuckingprise there. But yeah, after that the story varies. Sometimes he becomes a king, sometimes he doesn’t. He basically always marries Andromeda and has kids with her. Sometimes he founds a city of his own, sometime he doesn’t. And in one ending, where he’s lived to be an old king, he fulfills his ultimate destiny and turns Medusa’s head on himself. Geez.

So, yeah, there you go. That’s the story of Perseus. Let’s, uh...let’s see what the movie does, huh? This is another Ray Harryhausen joint, so I’m...tentatively excited for it. We’ll see how badly they mess up the myth, and whether or not it works despite that. So, ENOUGH of me lecturing you guys, huh?

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

We begin approximately where most iterations do: King Acrisius (Donald Houston) has just cast his daughter Danae (Vida Taylor) and grandson Perseus into the ocean, containing them within a wooden chest in order to “forgive his daughter’s crimes”. Yeah, sure, OK, buddy. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

This also pisses off Zeus (Laurence Mother Fucking Olivier), who consorts with the rest of the Olympians on what to do to Acrisus. Said Olympians include Hera (Claire Bloom), goddess of marriage and women; Thetis (Maggie Mother Fucking Smith), goddess of the sea and leader of the Nereids; Athena (Susan Fleetwood), goddess of wisdom and strategic victory; Aphrodite (Ursula Andress), goddess of love; and Poseidon (Jack Gwillim), god of the sea.

Hera tries to defend Acrisus, noting his prior years of devotion to Zeus and the other gods. But Zeus ain’t HAVING that shit, and tells Poseidon to destroy the city of Argos in revenge. This is to be done by...releasing the last of the Titans? Which is apparently the Kraken. I mean...no, a thousand times no, but whatever.

This little tantrum is Zeus’ way of showing his love towards Danae, whose child Perseus is his. This is helpfully pointed out by Thetis, who seems...a little spiteful, as much as Hera is about Perseus. Seems like she’s stoking some fires. Hmm. She is Queen of the Nerieds, so she may play a larger role later on.

Beneath the sea, Poseidon readies himself to set loose the Kraken and destroy Argos, at Zeus’ command. Zeus, meanwhile, kills Acrisus by using a clay voodoo doll of sorts to strike him down. And that’s when Poseidon lets loose the Kraken for the first time. And the Kraken...

Guys, the Kraken looks...actually, I’ll spoil his appearance later on. The Kraken destroys the city, and Zeus kills Acrisius. So much for the goddamn prophecy that explains why Acrisius did what he did, but fuck me, I guess. Danae and Perseus, meanwhile, have safely arrived on the shores of the island of Seriphus, at Zeus’ insistence. There, Perseus grows from child into a fine young man, with Zeus always watching over him...and with Thetis and company always watching over Zeus. Interesting.

The adult Perseus (Harry Hamlin) lives happily on the island, much to Perseus’ delight. Thetis, on the other hand, asks about her mortal son, a young man named Calibos (Neil McCarthy). Apparently, Calibos is a bit of a monster, and while he’d been set to wed the princess Andromeda, he’s also managed to kil all living things on the island that he’s been given, save for a single winged horse named Pegasus. Hence...he is to be punished.

Calibos, by the way? Entirely original creation of the film, and there’s nobody like him in Greek mythology. Anyway, Thetis is crushed by this, and decides to exact revenge of both Perseus and her son’s would-be fiancee, Andromeda. She pledges to open up Perseus’ eyes to grim reality, and does so by placing him in the kingdom of Joppa, where Calibos was originally set to rule alongside Andromeda.

Here, in an amphitheatre, he encounters a mysterious masked and robed figure, who quickly reveals themselves to be Ammon (Burgess Meredith), a poet and playwright. Apparently, Ammon wears his disguise to scare off trespassers. He tells Perseus that all of Joppa is in a tizzy about a curse of some kind, and that the story of the fallen kingdom of Argos is a famous legend.

Ammon tells Perseus to go back home to Seriphus, but Perseus tells Ammon that he’s promised to restore his mother’s old kingdom, and decides that Joppa would be a good start. Despite his drive, though, Zeus is pissed off at Thetis for plopping Perseus down unprepared. He tells the other goddesses to give him gifts to help him claim the kingdom of Joppa as his own. This includes a helmet from Athena, a sword from Aphrodite, and a shield from Hera. I mean...OK, that’s super goddamn weird, but OK.

After Zeus leaves, the goddesses rightfully complain about Zeus’ constant womanizing, but note that he probably doesn’t remember Danae at this point, is is most likely acting out of stubborn pride for his “handsome son”. Their words, not mine.

In Joppa, Perseus finds the gifts by the statues of their grantors. The sword from Aphrodite is adamantine, like the original myth, and slices through marble without a blemish. The shield from Hera...talks. Yeah. The shield bears the visage of Zeus, who tells him that the weapons are gifts from the gods, and that the helmet from Athena turns the wearer invisible. I mean, fuck Hades, I guess, but OK. Technically Athena did give the helmet to Perseus, so OK.

Armed with his new gear, an invisible Perseus immediately takes off to see Joppa, sans his sword. We only see his footsteps in the sand as he leaves, which is legitimately a VERY neat effect, and I’m not sure how they did it, but it’s neat as hell. Off to Joppa, a vaguely Phoenician/Persian kingdom, despite the fact that the original Joppa, or Jaffa, is a port city in Israel.

There, he meets a soldier, Thallo (Tim Pigott-Smith), who tells him of the situation. Since Calibos fell to Zeus’ wrath, Andromeda rejected him, allowing any suitor to try for her hand, whether they be royal or not. To do so, they must answer a riddle. If they fail to answer, the would-be suitor is burned to death. This is lorded over by Queen Cassiopeia (Sian Phillips), while Andromeda (Judi Bowker) lives in the tower of the palace.

Which is why Perseus IMEDIATELY uses the helmet to go into her room that night! CLASSY, PERSEUS. There, he sees...a giant vulture bring a cage to Andromeda’s balcony. No idea where in the fuck this is going, but that’s a damn good looking vulture. God, I love Harryhausen.

Anyway, the vulture is here for Andromeda’s soul, which leaves her body and goes to sit in the cage. The vulture takes off with it, al as the invisible Perseus watches on. He takes this opportunity to touch Andromeda’s face in her sleep (stop, Perseus, for the love of Zeus), then decides that winning Andromeda is his destiny. And so, his simpin’ journey begins.

The next day, Perseus asks Ammon how they can follow the vulture, who has apparently headed to the marshes to the “marsh lord”. To follow the vulture, Ammon suggests that they find and capture the last of the winged horses, known as Pegasus. And we’ve officially lost the track of Greek mythology at this point. Shit.

Well, with Ammon’s help, Perseus captures Pegasus and rides him through the skies. Meanwhile, in Corinth, some dude named Bellerophon is just having a stroke, I guess, because he’s totally fucked now. Whatever. The next day, the vulture comes back to Andromeda’s place and takes her soul to the marsh. But this time, Perseus and Pegasus follow them.

In the marsh, the marsh-lord and riddle-maker is revealed as Calibos, who is still in love with the beautiful Andromeda. As she cannot love him, he provides to her another riddle to give her would-be suitors. In tears, she memorizes the riddle and its answer, Calibos touches her uncomfortably, even as Andromeda asks him to lift his curse and show pity. But he refuses, in pain from his love. Jesus, this movie should be called Clash of the Simps, goddamn.

Perseus was watching the whole thing, though, which Calibos immediately figures out when he sees Perseus’ footsteps in the dirt. As Perseus goes through the swamp looking for Pegasus, he’s found and attacked by Calibos. Calibos, by the way, is a guy in pretty solid makeup in close-up shots, and a Harryhausen model in far-away shots.

The two struggle, the helmet is lost in the swamp, and Perseus draws his sword. But we suddenly cut away to see the daily ritual of the presentation for Andromeda’s would-be suitors. Perseus steps in, having survived the attack from last night, and offers his hand to Andromeda, who recognizes Perseus from a dream. She gives the riddle, which is ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT. Here, I’ll prove it.

In my mind’s eye, I see three circles joined in priceless harmony. Two, full as the moon; one, hollow as a crown. Two from the sea, five fathoms down. One from the Earth, deep under the ground. What is it?

Any guesses? Anybody?

NO MATTER WHAT YOU FAIL. Because the answer is Calibos’ ring! HOW IN THE SHIT WOULD ANYBODY HAVE GUESSED THAT? It’s a golden ring with two pearls on it! WHO KNOWS THAT SHIT? I call complete bullshit, and the only reason that Perseus knows it is because he spied on this last night! Also, because he cut off Calibos’ hand, and made him renounce his curse, which is...never really specified, now that I think about it.

With that, Perseus has both Andromeda’s and Calibos’ hands! HA! Calibos is not as amused, as he preys to his other Thetis, at a temple of hers. He demands that Thetis take revenge on those whom Perseus loves, specifically Andromeda and the city of Joppa itself. He demands justice, but Thetis identifies this correctly as revenge. All the while, Perseus declares his love for Andromeda, and they seal their union with a kiss and ritual.

During this ritual, in which Andromeda and Perseus are essentially married, Queen Cassiopeia, LIKE A DUMBASS, says that Andromeda is more beautiful than the goddess Thetis herself. Yeah. BAD FUCKING MOVE, especially because she said that IN FRONT OF THETIS’ FUCKING SANCTUARY. At least that dumbass move was kept from the original story.

Well, Thetis tells Cassie that she can only atone for her stupidity in one way: sacrifice your daughter to the Kraken in 30 days. Later on, Perseus speaks with Ammon to figure out how they can defeat the Kraken. Ammon suggests speaking with the “Stygian Witches”, who I’m assuming are our Grey Sisters for the night. However, according to Thallo, they have a taste for human flesh. Still, Perseus is going, as are Ammon, Thallo, and Andromeda. But not Pegasus.

Well...shit, man. That changes a few things, huh? But that’ll be addressed...IN PART TWO! See you there!

[matthewxdavidson]

Hard to Swallow || DavAndJones

Tagging: Matthew Davidson, Mercedes Jones & Blaine Anderson When: March 11, 2019 Where: Blaine’s house Notes: The three have a serious talk about Matthew. Triggers: Suicide mention, death, PTSD, self hatred and anxiety

Mercedes

Mercedes was relieved when Matt said that she could call Blaine, if there was one person who she knew could help him when she couldn't it was him. Blaine, like Merce, was there when that bastard went to jail, there when Matt first broke down and helped her get him back, so it only made sense he would help her again. Dialing Blaine's number she sighed heavily, still holding Matt, though his tears had slowed down.

Blaine

Blaine had been restless all evening, a million and one things chasing through his head to prep for a long day in the studio tomorrow. The buzz of his phone was a welcome distraction, since he wasn't focusing on anything very well, and he glanced at the caller id briefly before thumbing the call open. "Hey Mercedes," he greeted, crossing over to his kitchen idly.

Mercedes

The moment Mercedes heard Blaine's voice, she knew somehow things were going to be okay. "Hey B, ummm I can't explain it over the phone, but can Matt and I come over. Its not what you think and you know I wouldn't be calling you like this if it wasn't serious."

Matt

Matt pulled away from her and slid past Mercedes to get out of the car. He couldn’t believe this was actually happening. He went to the opposite side and laid his forearms against the side of the car and looked down. Just like a goddamn child who couldn’t take care of himself. Now he dragged more people into his fucking bullshit.

Blaine

Blaine hesitated, one hand on the handle of his fridge. "Wait, what?" He hadn't even realized Mercedes was back in town -- and she was with Matt? "Yeah, of course, come on over. Matt knows the code to get in, I haven't changed the locks on him yet." It was a lame attempt at a joke, but something in Mercedes' voice was setting his teeth on edge.

Mercedes

"B, thank you I love you and we will be there in like 10 minutes." She hung up the phone looking at Matt, she knew what he was thinking. "Matt this is what we need to do, please stop feeling like you are a burden, we don't think of you like that. Now come on, we can leave your car here for now." She moved to get into the car, waiting for him then drove right over to Blaine's. "He said you know the code so you can let us in." She said softly, her mind going back to when she used to watch him and Blaine boxing and goofing around. It was so long again and yet she remembered the laughs and fun like it was yesterday.

Matt

Back in the seat Matt suddenly felt petulant, not wanting to bring Blaine into this when he knew he had a lot happening at the studio this week. He looked straight ahead and Matt’s jaw set to show how much he didn’t want to be doing this. He wanted to be back in his house and throwing his attention into something that was as far away from his shit as possible. He could feel Mercedes’ eyes burning a hole in the side of his face and he reluctantly told her the code.

Blaine

Blaine had been halfway through making all three of them cocoa when he heard the front door open. He set aside the bag of marshmallows -- he only kept them on hand at Matt's insistence anyway -- and grabbed a dish towel to wipe his hands as he ducked out of the kitchen to meet them. The set to Matt's jaw raised Blaine's eyebrows; not a social call, obviously. "Hey," Blaine said softly. "I was just making us something to drink, come on in."

Mercedes

Mercedes had tried to think of how she was going to let Blaine know what was going on, it was a lot for her to handle, but she knew if anyone could it was Blaine. She smiled at him as she and Matt walked in and went over to hug him, she hadn't seen him since she had taken off with Jackson. "So this is not how I wanted to let you know I was back but things rarely happen the way we want them too." She pulled away and glanced at Matt before looking back at Blaine. "Sorry to just drop in though, we really need your help."

Matt

Matt wasn’t acting his usual self, that was very clear. He had a classic guarded stance about him with his arms crossed and eyes not exactly meeting either of theirs. He could feel their concerned gazes on him and his red-rimmed eyes remained on a picture in the distance. “We came over to ask if you can let us borrow a cup of sugar...” How the fuck was he just going to go and explain the breakdown he had at the grocery store? Especially when he felt stupid for having it in the first place.

Blaine

The alarms bells went off in earnest as soon as Matt cracked a tired joke without meeting his eyes, and Blaine shot a worried look at Mercedes. Matt hated asking for help, and treating him with kid gloves now would probably only make him close up more. "I'm all out of sugar. You want to tell me what you're trying to dodge instead? I can give you a throw pillow to hit if it helps."

Mercedes

Mercedes knew Matt was joking to try and get out of being there, she also knew that he couldn't tell Blaine what was going on, it was too hard for him, so it was up to her. "I was at the Grocery store when Matt and I saw each other. We started talking and I knew something was wrong, before today which is why I texted you before i left, but I didn’t know he was so burdened. He can't stay alone B. Matt is struggling right now, that man who set the fire that killed those two little girls, apparently Matt has gone to see him and that man is getting out, Matt is not thinking clearly and he wants to hurt him. Blaine he wants to hurt him and he doesn’t care what happens to him, doesn't care if he.." her voice trailed off and she cleared her throat. "He needs us and as much as I wish I could let him stay with me, it hurts way too much Blaine and I know that you will watch over him too." She glanced over at Matt, knowing that he hated all of this, that he wasn't one to take charity, he wasn't one to ask for help but she was not afraid to ask for it for him. " There is more but that isn't for me to tell. All I know is that  we have to protect him from himself Blaine."

Matt

Fuck... he knew she’d unload for him and Matt may look back on this later and love her even more for what she did but right now he felt himself shrink away. He took one step and the next until his back was flush against the wall. His arms tightened across his body and Matt looked to the door. It would be easy to walk out right now and leave town. He’d just get an Uber to take him to get his car and just...go. After she talked he was still thinking this and Matt looked to both of them, finally braving their eyes. A lone tear track covered his cheek and Matt tried to laugh but it came out sounding off. “Surprise.” He managed to get out and then he started to cry again after losing the battle of keeping it in.

Blaine

Blaine's spine went rigid at 'Matt has gone to see him' and his eyes snapped to his friend in horrified dismay. He'd known there was something going on from the fire eleven years ago -- Matt himself had mentioned the guy a few days ago -- but he hadn't realized it had gotten this serious. "Oh my god -- you went to see him?" he echoed hoarsely.  The instant the tears started, Blaine was already moving, tucking himself under Matt's arm and slinging an arm around his shoulders in a half hug -- one of those rare occasions when being several inches shorter than someone actually helped. "You suck at surprises, you jerk," he said, his voice shaky, and shot a worried look at Mercedes. "He can stay with me. He can always stay with me."

Mercedes

She knew Matt would break, but it killed her to see him like that. He needed her and right now it wasn't about her hurt, or pain, it wasn't about her. She moved over to where he and Blaine were and went to Matt's other side. Her arms went around him as she held them both letting Matt finally feel everything he had been denying for a long time. "We got you Matt, we always will. You gotta let us be here for you." Mercedes knew this was hard for him, he needed comforting, he needed his friends and she did what she always did for him when he needed her. "Some times in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow, but if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow. Lean on me, when you're not strong, I be your friend, I'll help you carry on, for it won't be long, till I'm gonna need, somebody to lean on."

Matt

Here he was. Crying. Again. Matt knew comfort should be found with his best friends holding him and being there through one of the hardest moments in his life but he kept telling himself he was overreacting. That they needed to get back to their lives. That he needed to return to his world of solitude he created for himself by pushing everyone who cared away. And it was when he heard Mercedes start to sing that he pulled away from Blaine; certain he must have messed up his hair and possibly made the side of his face sticky with hair product; that Matt had to actually chuckle after sniffling. “You don’t have to sing that.” He stepped away from both of them and dragged the sleeve of his jacket across his eyes to get rid of the tears. “You guys don’t need to babysit me. Like I told Mercedes in the parking lot, I’m not going to off myself. I’m just having a bad life. That’s all.”

Blaine

"It's not babysitting," Blaine said fiercely, and jabbed one finger into Matt's chest. "Were you babysitting me when you said you'd stay with me until the same-sex lottery letter came? Because I'm going to be highly offended is that's what you were offering." He crossed his arms over his chest to keep from reaching out for Matt again -- Blaine was a touchy, huggy person, but Matt was in one of his moods already. "It's not babysitting to give you people to talk to, and confide in, and yes,  lean on."

Mercedes

Mercedes moved closer to them. "Were you babysitting me every time I needed you? When my dad made me feel worthless, when I was alone and needed a friend? Were you babysitting me when I told you what happened to me in College? And you came up to me knowing I just needed a friend? If its love that makes you want to be there for us why cant you see its love that makes us want to be here for you? Matt you need us, so stop being such a stubborn ass and let us before Blaine and I hog tie you to a chair and force you to listen to us do a concert of every song out there about friends and you get it through your thick skull that we are not going anywhere! We are here! Period!" Mercedes was short but she had no problem standing toe to toe with Matt, to show him she was serious.

Matt

Everything in him wanted to yell at them and say it’s not the same. That they couldn’t possibly compare what he was going through to their life experiences. Matt stared at both of them, feeling very much that scared nineteen year old who not only watched the most horrifying deaths but who nearly faced his own in that fire. Both of his hands went through his hair and he walked away from both of them, clearly in midst of major internal conflict as he pulled at it. This wasn’t the Matt they knew: the funny guy who was there when people needed him. This was the man he’d slowly became when nobody was around. The man who drank himself to feel numb and fucked around to try to find some form of pleasure to try to dull out the never ending guilt. Matt went to the far end of the room and spotted his reflection in a mirror and paused. An angry, scared man stared back at him and he slowly lowered his hands; which left his hair up in crazy angles which looked comical under most circumstances but not right now. There was nothing funny about right now. As he stared at the person her hardly recognized his voice cracked out, “I need help...”

Blaine

Blaine's expression softened, all the fight draining out of him as he watched Matt stare at his own reflection. "We know," he said quietly. "You need help -- so let us help. Please, Matt."

Mercedes

Mercedes felt like she could finally breathe again when Matt admitted that he needed help. Mercedes moved over to him and nodded towards Blaine. "Please Matt."

Matt

He took a few steps back and the back of his legs hit a chair. Probably a dining chair. Or armchair. Or an end table. He didn’t know but he dropped down on it. He knew he was heading towards a breakdown. That his talk with El the night before and all the stress and the fighting, the having to come to terms that he might have a drinking problem. This asshole in prison laughing in his face and not giving a shit about the lives he destroyed. Everything was on him again. Everything swirling and he covered his face with his hands trying to numb it out. “I-“ he swallowed and took a deep breath and lowered his hands again. “I made an appointment to see a new psychiatrist. Bri recommended her. I see her Thursday at 11.” He felt so tired. The fight to try to keep it together too much for him to do on his own.

Blaine

Blaine crossed over and sank into the chair next to him, still very aware of the need to reach out and touch. "That's a good start," he said. "It was hard starting all over with a new therapist when I moved to New York -- but you need this, Matt, just like I did." He glanced up at Mercedes, not sure if he should include her in what he was offering, with their recent history. "One of us can come with you. Just to drive you there and back, we don't have to sit in."

Mercedes

Mercedes was fighting her own demons, but her need to be there for Matt outweighed her hurt. She hesitated only a moment, it only took one moment for her to stop before she moved to Matt's side. Kneeling down she looked up to him. "You need this,  and we are going to make sure that you get all the help you need. But you have to stop Matt. Stop hiding, stop lying, to yourself and to us. You can't get to where you need to be because you are stuck, admitting you need help is the first step. And I am so proud of you for that. Now you need to actually do the work, because its going to be hard. And you are going to want to fight it. Don't."

Matt

He nodded at what she said, trying hard not to feel like a scolded child because that’s not what this was. He reached over and took Blaine’s hand, his own trembling while the other went to Mercedes’ cheek. He sat in silence with them and eventually looked to Blaine. “I’m okay with one of you sitting with me at the office.” His voice sounded as tired as he felt.

Blaine

Blaine wrapped both of his hands around Matt's, holding on firmly now that he'd made the first move.  "Okay," he said simply.  He'd take an early lunch, if he had to, and be there as long as it took, if it wasn't something Mercedes felt comfortable with so soon.  "You can stay here until then, too, I wasn't kidding. You know as well as I do that I overdo it with the cooking sometimes, you'll be saving me from putting on twenty pounds in pasta weight."

Mercedes

Mercedes was glad that Matt finally nodded, though the moment he touched her face with his hand, it stirred up feelings inside of her that she didn't want to feel. And brought back memories she was trying to ignore while helping her best friend. She slowly backed away from him and nodded. "See I knew coming to Blaine's was the best idea, he will go with you and everything will be fine. I really should be going though." She smiled softly trying to hide the sadness she was feeling. Taking Matt's hand she squeezed it before standing and looking to Blaine. She wanted to stay she just couldn't. "Please call me if you need me, and after your appointment." She reached over and hugged Matt quickly, before moving over and hugging Blaine slightly longer. "Love you guys." She turned and walked out of Blaine's, wiping her fallen tears as she did, knowing that he would take care of Matt, she knew he was in the best hands he could be in, because at the moment she still wasn't able to give 100 percent.

[dreadhaus-literature]

{A/N}

I’m still trying to decide if I’m going to aim for a 3rd OC to round out the challenge, tonight. I’m feeling a little dry on the creative front, and 2 out of 3 is respectable.

I’m also trying to teach myself I don’t have to be writing 100% of the time to be productive.

So while I decide whether or not to try and create a 3rd new OC, I figured I’d drink my coffee and come talk about some stuff.

It’s pretty common knowledge that I think a lot. I overthink, a lot. And as I’ve gotten more into fandoms again, I’m seeing the climate around things change from when I was writing for fandoms before. And this isn’t so much a rant about fandoms as it’s me...questioning my writing and if I’ll be okay, putting my stuff out there.

Y’see, we all know Tumblr’s a pretty toxic place, if you’re not in the “THIS IS OKAY TO LIKE” box, you’re gonna get death threats and shamed and...all that fun stuff. And I’ve always existed outside of that box. I like BDSM, necro, cannibalism, etc, and none of that is mainstream or “acceptable” to like. And as I’ve been paying attention and watching and just sort of...putting my ear to the wall (because I don’t participate in shit) it’s left me feeling like I shouldn’t create, because nothing I create is “okay” by the standards of people that are out there.

And it’s weird, because when I was younger I never used to give a shit. I’d write what I wanted and fuck anyone who didn’t like it. But it seems the scales have tipped so far the other way; where before people would just quietly peruse what they like and ignore what they didn’t, I feel like now they make lynch mobs and try to destroy you as a person because omg you like littlespace? How very dare.

It might have something to do with my emotional state, right now. I’m very...I don’t want to say fragile? Not because I have a problem with being fragile but more because I’m just tired, emotionally. I’ve hit this point where I’m just too tired for drama and bullshit because I’m just trying to make it to tomorrow. So the thought of creating something that I like, that I enjoy, and someone coming to scream “THIS IS WRONG AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD” at me just...does not interest me in the slightest.

Even just with creating characters, I was thinking of creating a new monster...because uhm, yaaas, but when I was doing research there’s all these folks barking and screeching about how you can’t create monsters using Native American lore because it’s wrong or how Jewish people own certain myths and you can’t use them and I just...I really didn’t want to get to a point where I’m saying people are too sensitive (because that’s the older people’s battle cry and I think sensitivity is important) but if I want to create a monster based off the wendigo...why can’t I just do that? Why is that so offensive and horrible to a group of people whom I don’t know and don’t know me? I’m not doing it to be shitty. Tbh it’s a form of respect because I think the lore is badass and I want some of that.

It reminds me how I saw a long thread (this was ages ago) about a little white girl who wanted to throw a geisha-inspired tea party and her mom did all this research and reached out to Japanese...people (I don’t recall what they did, officially) and she put on this real authentic party for her daughter and it was really respectful and there were all these people just up in arms about it, calling it appropriation and while I 10000% believe appropriation is a thing, not everything is appropriation. And if we start drawing those sorts of lines, we’re all gonna lose 97% of the shit we enjoy because it belongs to some other race or culture.

So I don’t know. Seeing all this discourse and angry shouting just adds to my “oh my god I’m old and tired” mood because I want to create all sorts of things but I’m terrified that I’m going to create something offensive without realizing it’s offensive???

The monster thing really fucking threw me.

And I know. Folks in the internet don’t own shit and I don’t owe anyone an explanation for the shit that I do. I know I’m coming from a place of respect and just trying to enjoy myself and I shouldn’t feel bad about that--I know all that. Part of my issue with seeing this sort of stuff is because I was raised to not believe my opinion or thoughts or feelings about something is worth a goddamn, which is why people say things and I nod and shut up. I’m still working on it.

Which brings me to something else that’s been tumbling around in my head--think I’m going to take a page out of Beesly’s book and try to be more assertive this year/for the rest of my life. It’s something that I’ve struggled with my whole life, for reasons that I assume are obvious, and I want to...get over that. I realize there’s lots of things I want to do and don’t because I’m too worried about what someone else may say or think or do about it and so I just...don’t. And I wind up regretting my silence or in-action and then I feel bad. And to be clear, I’m not even talking about shitty things. I mean I don’t do small things, like talk about my own likes or interests or even buying certain things because I don’t think I should, because someone else might side-eye or it might bother someone. I have always done this and I still do it and I swear to god even on my own fucking cellphone sometimes I won’t set certain characters as my wallpaper because I don’t feel like I have the right to do it.

I mean how fucking stupid is that.

But it’s a real issue and it keeps me from enjoying simple things that don’t bother anyone. And I realize I have a lot of anger and resentment built up that I need to start working on, and this type of behavior only adds to it. I feel like I have this gluttonous monster that follows me around, and has since I was a kid, and it’s just huge and gross (even for me, lol) and I keep feeding it so it sticks around. And it just keeps getting bigger and bigger and the more I feed it the worse I feel because it’s constantly bothering me.

I just...I’m sure it sounds stupid but I really need my 30′s to be better than my 20′s and this new decade thing, like I either gotta pull the trigger on some change and making my life better...or really pull the trigger and be done with it. I’m stuck in places I don’t like being and I’m sick of coming back to these spaces and saying I’m stuck. How many years am I gonna do that?

Hopefully, no more years, lol.

I just have to teach myself worth, I guess. That’s the root issue of all the stuff I was just talking about. I don’t value myself enough to put my foot down about things or to just openly like something without worrying about what anyone else might think about it--and don’t get me wrong, I’ve always done my own thing and I didn’t care how off-brand it was. I like weird shit and always have; when I say openly liking something I mean not feeling like I don’t belong liking it. And the worth issue applies to my writing, too.

Because circling back to the whole, “you can’t like this because I think it’s wrong,” thing, I was reading a thread a couple days ago about how the main actor in that You show, he goes on Twitter and corrects women who like his character, and of course Tumblr is praising him and saying how you shouldn’t like his character and that behavior is toxic.

And yeah, in real life, it is. And you shouldn’t put up with anything you’re not comfortable with.

But I was reading this and thinking to myself...y’all really can’t separate fantasy from reality anymore. Y’all have just blurred that line to the point where people can’t even enjoy fake shit because you think that means they like it IRL. And it’s fucking nuts.

As someone who has existed in their own fantasy world for 30 years, I can safely say, there’s shit I enjoy in fantasy I wouldn’t IRL. I love super controlling behavior on paper but I wouldn’t be able to deal with it in a real relationship. That shit hits way too close to home--but I have control over it in my head, so it’s perfect. And that’s why fantasy is so important.

Take cannibalism. Could someone cut off my arm and eat it IRL? I mean they could, but...don’t? I need it for things.

But they can in my head, and on paper, and I enjoy reading about it. Experiencing it that way, because it’s the only safe, sane way to experience it.

I fucking love unhinged, crazy characters who are obsessive and possessive to the point of murder and I can’t enjoy that shit IRL but I’m fucking fine to fantasize about it--but everyone is out there tooting their shame horn and I just...let people enjoy things? Like why the fuck are they so pressed.

It’s like sitting down to eat at your table, in your house, with your favorite meal all nicely prepared in front of you. But you happen to look up, and see that across the street, your neighbor is eating some shit you hate. Like you can’t stand what they’re eating. But they’re in their house, and you can’t smell it, and you don’t have to eat it...yet instead of eating your own goddamn meal, you get up from the table, march across the street, and bang on your neighbor’s door to yell at them about some shit you don’t like. How dare they eat something you don’t like?

That’s what it’s like, to me. The shit I like, that I’m into, doesn’t hurt any-fucking-body, because it’s fantasy. But people will scream at the top of their fucking lungs about how it’s gross and nasty and they don’t want to see it (even though they found it, somehow) and because they hate it I’m terrible for liking it. It just...ugh. It’s such an illogical argument.

I don’t like Katy Perry. I think she’s a garbage human being who got famous because she’s “pretty” and pretended to be bisexual for a while but y’know what? I don’t give a shit about her or anyone who likes her. I don’t care, and when I say I don’t care, I mean like it doesn’t affect or bother me that anyone else is into her. She can do her, and they can do them, and I’mma do me.

But it’s borderline impossible for people to stay in their goddamn lane and it’s nuts. Like as a gay woman who grew up watching adults argue about gay marriage I remember thinking, even as a gayby, why do so many straight folks care? Like why do they give a shit who someone else is marrying? But they did. They still do.

And that’s what it reminds me of. That us younger generations love to brag about how we’re more open and progressive than our parents and grandparents and yeah, we don’t lynch people of color or keep the LGBT community closeted but if you enjoy BDSM/littlespace or god forbid ship the wrong characters together you’re probably gonna get death threats and bullied off an internet platform.

So yeah. That’s just been rattling around in my head the past few days, as I’ve been workshopping OC’s and tossing around ideas of what to write about this year. My interests have and always will be counter-culture/alternative and I always anticipate there’s going to be someone who isn’t into what I do. That’s...kinda been my label? Like I’m not “one size fits all”, lol, but beyond all the discourse and stuff it leaves me wondering what sort of audience I’ll even have.

I don’t pretend to be the only one into these sorts of things, I know there’s other weirdos out there and stuff, they’re just sitting quietly amongst all the shouting and screaming, like I am. And I guess if that’s my audience, I’ll take it. I don’t have these big aspirations of necessarily being famous (being rich would be nice because...money worries, lol, I’m way over them) but I always liked Christine’s hustle. She writes (prolifically, good god) for her fans and that’s what she’s happy doing. Doesn’t matter that she isn’t a household name, she’s got devoted fans and that is the kind of fanbase I’d like as an author. I don’t need to be liked by everyone, I just want to write and if I happen to make someone happy, well, mission accomplished.

So in the meantime, just going to keep plugging away at myself, letting 2020 be the year of change and growth. So far it’s been...I mean I think it’s gone well. I’ve finished the first writing challenge I issued myself, so there’s that!

But alas, my coffee cup is empty and it’s time for a refill.

I’ll be back soon, likely to issue and then destroy the next challenge of 2020.